Torso (1973)
Directed by Sergio Martino
Written by Sergio Martino and Ernesto Gastaldi
Starring Suzy Kendall, Tina Aumont, Luc Merenda, and John Richardson
The far more unwieldy but accurate original title THE BODIES PRESENTED TRACES OF CARNAL VIOLENCE.
I’m a fan of giallo, the Italian mystery genre known for gloved killers, sometimes beautiful set pieces, and increasingly bizarre plots. So when something like Torso becomes available in a nice, restored reissue it’s not hard to guess where my paycheck’s going. After all, it’s infamous for having been censored in its English-language release. That must’ve been some great footage, right? Well, no. Not really. As it turns out, the best parts don’t contain very much gore or nudity.
Shock Treatment (1981)
Directed by Jim Sharman
Written by Richard O’Brien and Jim Sharman
Starring Cliff De Young, Jessica Harper, Richard O’Brien, Patricia Quinn, Charles Gray, Ruby Wax, Nell Campbell, and Barry Humphries
The mysterious Farley Flavors.
When The Rocky Horror Picture Show came out in 1975 it wasn’t exactly a hit. The continued midnight showings and growing fan base eventually got the notice of studio executives, which led to a predictable but terrible decision: cash in with a sequel! So it was that in 1981 the bizarre film Shock Treatment dropped like a bomb on baffled audiences.
Return From Witch Mountain (1978)
Directed by John Hough
Written by Malcolm Marmorstein
Characters by Alexander Key
Starring Bette Davis, Christopher Lee, Kim Richards, Ike Eisenmann, Jack Soo, and Anthony
James
I always get the prepositions wrong on these movies.
Tia and Tony are back in human civilization for an unsupervised visit, which turns out to be exactly as bad of an idea as it sounds. Having avoided the Trump-like clutches of Aristotle Bolt in Escape to Witch Mountain, you’d like to think that the space children had learned to keep their mental powers secret. Yet within moments of screen time after leaving Uncle Bene, Tony saves a falling man in as noticeable a way as he can manage and is kidnapped by Doctor Victor Gannon (Christopher Lee) and his patron Letha Wedge (Bette Davis). It’s up to Tia and the four kids of the Earthquake Gang to save Tony and Los Angeles.
Queen of Blood (1966)
Written and directed by Curtis Harrington
Based on footage from Mechte navstrechu by Mikhail Karzhukov and Otar Koberidze
Starring John Saxon, Basil Rathbone, Judi Meredith, Dennis Hopper, and Florence Marly
The title artwork is terrific. It looks like vintage science fiction covers.
Queen of Blood is a patchwork movie, built around footage from at least two Russian films: Mechte navstrechu and Nebo zovyot. Roger Corman snapped up the U.S. rights to the films and gutted them to use for his own features. Nebo zovyot was mostly turned into Battle Beyond the Sun, while Mechte navstrechu became the basis for this one. Given this origin, it’s remarkable that the film actually works.
Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals (1978)
Directed by Joe D’Amato
Written by Roberto Gandus and Renzo Maietto
Starring Melissa Chimenti, Sirpa Lane, Maurice Poli, and Dakar
“Caribbean Papaya” is the best translation of the title, but “Die of Pleasure” would be my favorite version if not for the provocative “Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals”.
To me, Joe D’Amato (the main pseudonym of Aristide Massaccesi) is the schlocky director of the barbarian adventure Ator, the Fighting Eagle and the cannibalism horror Anthropophagous. I dearly love these movies, while admitting that they’re fairly terrible. What I knew about but had never sampled was his extensive pornographic catalog. I have now filled that hole in my viewing.
Out of the Dark (2014)
Directed by Lluís Quílez
Written by Javier Gullón, David Pastor, and Àlex Pastor
Starring Julia Stiles, Scott Speedman, Stephen Rea, Vanesa Tamayo, and Pixie Davies
It took two viewings for me to realize why the titles are underwater.
We’ve somehow gotten to a place where we expect ghosts to be justified in their actions. There has to be a sympathetic reason that they cause havoc, especially if they kill people. One of the things I love so much about The Legend of Hell House is that the entire motivation for the ghost’s actions is that he was a vicious bastard in life. You can’t reason with sheer malice. That’s not the case in the more standard supernatural thriller Out of the Dark, which features not one but two groups of dead children.
Night of the Creeps (1986)
Written and directed by Fred Dekker
Starring Jason Lively, Steve Marshall, Jill Whitlow, Tom Atkins, and Dick Miller
I have a suspicion that the title didn’t help.
Fame can be elusive, and one talent it got away from is Fred Dekker. In a career spanning four decades, he hasn’t written or directed very much. Among his limited output, however, he’s created a good number of cult classics. He wrote the story for House (the American horror-comedy), co-wrote and directed The Monster Squad, and wrote four episodes of Tales From the Crypt (directing two of them). Not everything was great, of course. There was Robocop 3 and his involvement in the regrettable series Star Trek: Enterprise, but what kind of fan would turn down work in either of those franchises? And make no mistake, Dekker is a big fan of monsters and science fiction. It’s not an abusive love, like you get from J.J. Abrams, either. It’s a genuine affection for what came before, which Dekker uses as the foundation for his work. Never is this more visible than in his writing and directing debut, Night of the Creeps. Even the name is a callback to the progenitor of modern zombie movies, Night of the Living Dead. Heck, there’s a Dick Miller cameo, so you know it’s an authentic genre film!
The Monster Squad (1987)
Directed by Fred Dekker
Written by Shane Black and Fred Dekker
Starring Andre Gower, Robby Kiger, Stephen Macht, Duncan Regehr, and Tom Noonan
The monsters are in a squad but the Monster Squad has no monsters.
In the 1940s, Universal was desperate to keep raking in that sweet monster movie cash but only had a few new monsters in their roster. Sequels weren’t quite doing it, so someone hit on the idea of having a few of them meet. After Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man met with success, Dracula was tossed into the mix (almost literally) for House of Frankenstein and then House of Dracula. The Mummy was supposed to be worked in somewhere, but that plan never came to fruition. Fortunately, The Monster Squad corrects this oversight.
The Long Hair of Death (1964)
aka I Lunghi Capelli Della Morte
Directed by Antonio Margheriti as Anthony Dawson
Written by Ernesto Gastaldi (as Julian Berry), Tonino Valerii (as Robert Bohr), and Antonio Margheriti
Starring Barbara Steele, George Ardisson, Halina Zalewska, Umberto Raho, and Laura Nucci
In Italian horror movies, crazy titles are a design feature.
Black Sunday catapulted actress Barbara Steele and director Mario Bava to international attention. The story of a vengeful witch returned from the dead made a lasting impression with its stylish sets and star’s gaunt beauty. It was so popular that it established the “Barbara Steele” role, which in The Long Hair of Death is conveniently played by Barbara Steele herself.
Krampus (2015)
Directed by Michael Dougherty
Written by Todd Casey, Michael Dougherty, and Zachary Shields
Starring Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, Allison Tolman, Krista Stadler, and Emjay Anthony
Nothing like a festive mob scene.
THIS REVIEW GIVES AWAY THE ENDING OF THE FILM
Families can be a pain, especially when everyone gets together solely from a sense of obligation. What should be a time of joyful reunion becomes an endurance test, as everybody picks at each other’s emotional scabs. Good times. The consolation is that every now and then it can be the basis for a really good satire like the Christmas horror film Krampus. You’ve seen the heartwarming dysfunctional-family Christmas comedies. Everyone hates each other and yells, but at the end the “True Spirit of Christmas” prevails and harmony is restored. Even the most bitter or transgressive holiday film follows this pattern. Krampus does as well, but in a way that undermines the genre’s theme of hope and reconciliation.
Web of the Big Damn Spider 
