Torso (1973)
Directed by Sergio Martino
Written by Sergio Martino and Ernesto Gastaldi
Starring Suzy Kendall, Tina Aumont, Luc Merenda, and John Richardson
The far more unwieldy but accurate original title THE BODIES PRESENTED TRACES OF CARNAL VIOLENCE.
I’m a fan of giallo, the Italian mystery genre known for gloved killers, sometimes beautiful set pieces, and increasingly bizarre plots. So when something like Torso becomes available in a nice, restored reissue it’s not hard to guess where my paycheck’s going. After all, it’s infamous for having been censored in its English-language release. That must’ve been some great footage, right? Well, no. Not really. As it turns out, the best parts don’t contain very much gore or nudity.
Return From Witch Mountain (1978)
Directed by John Hough
Written by Malcolm Marmorstein
Characters by Alexander Key
Starring Bette Davis, Christopher Lee, Kim Richards, Ike Eisenmann, Jack Soo, and Anthony
James
I always get the prepositions wrong on these movies.
Tia and Tony are back in human civilization for an unsupervised visit, which turns out to be exactly as bad of an idea as it sounds. Having avoided the Trump-like clutches of Aristotle Bolt in Escape to Witch Mountain, you’d like to think that the space children had learned to keep their mental powers secret. Yet within moments of screen time after leaving Uncle Bene, Tony saves a falling man in as noticeable a way as he can manage and is kidnapped by Doctor Victor Gannon (Christopher Lee) and his patron Letha Wedge (Bette Davis). It’s up to Tia and the four kids of the Earthquake Gang to save Tony and Los Angeles.
Queen of Blood (1966)
Written and directed by Curtis Harrington
Based on footage from Mechte navstrechu by Mikhail Karzhukov and Otar Koberidze
Starring John Saxon, Basil Rathbone, Judi Meredith, Dennis Hopper, and Florence Marly
The title artwork is terrific. It looks like vintage science fiction covers.
Queen of Blood is a patchwork movie, built around footage from at least two Russian films: Mechte navstrechu and Nebo zovyot. Roger Corman snapped up the U.S. rights to the films and gutted them to use for his own features. Nebo zovyot was mostly turned into Battle Beyond the Sun, while Mechte navstrechu became the basis for this one. Given this origin, it’s remarkable that the film actually works.
Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals (1978)
Directed by Joe D’Amato
Written by Roberto Gandus and Renzo Maietto
Starring Melissa Chimenti, Sirpa Lane, Maurice Poli, and Dakar
“Caribbean Papaya” is the best translation of the title, but “Die of Pleasure” would be my favorite version if not for the provocative “Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals”.
To me, Joe D’Amato (the main pseudonym of Aristide Massaccesi) is the schlocky director of the barbarian adventure Ator, the Fighting Eagle and the cannibalism horror Anthropophagous. I dearly love these movies, while admitting that they’re fairly terrible. What I knew about but had never sampled was his extensive pornographic catalog. I have now filled that hole in my viewing.
Out of the Dark (2014)
Directed by Lluís Quílez
Written by Javier Gullón, David Pastor, and Àlex Pastor
Starring Julia Stiles, Scott Speedman, Stephen Rea, Vanesa Tamayo, and Pixie Davies
It took two viewings for me to realize why the titles are underwater.
We’ve somehow gotten to a place where we expect ghosts to be justified in their actions. There has to be a sympathetic reason that they cause havoc, especially if they kill people. One of the things I love so much about The Legend of Hell House is that the entire motivation for the ghost’s actions is that he was a vicious bastard in life. You can’t reason with sheer malice. That’s not the case in the more standard supernatural thriller Out of the Dark, which features not one but two groups of dead children.
The Monster Squad (1987)
Directed by Fred Dekker
Written by Shane Black and Fred Dekker
Starring Andre Gower, Robby Kiger, Stephen Macht, Duncan Regehr, and Tom Noonan
The monsters are in a squad but the Monster Squad has no monsters.
In the 1940s, Universal was desperate to keep raking in that sweet monster movie cash but only had a few new monsters in their roster. Sequels weren’t quite doing it, so someone hit on the idea of having a few of them meet. After Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man met with success, Dracula was tossed into the mix (almost literally) for House of Frankenstein and then House of Dracula. The Mummy was supposed to be worked in somewhere, but that plan never came to fruition. Fortunately, The Monster Squad corrects this oversight.
Krampus (2015)
Directed by Michael Dougherty
Written by Todd Casey, Michael Dougherty, and Zachary Shields
Starring Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, Allison Tolman, Krista Stadler, and Emjay Anthony
Nothing like a festive mob scene.
THIS REVIEW GIVES AWAY THE ENDING OF THE FILM
Families can be a pain, especially when everyone gets together solely from a sense of obligation. What should be a time of joyful reunion becomes an endurance test, as everybody picks at each other’s emotional scabs. Good times. The consolation is that every now and then it can be the basis for a really good satire like the Christmas horror film Krampus. You’ve seen the heartwarming dysfunctional-family Christmas comedies. Everyone hates each other and yells, but at the end the “True Spirit of Christmas” prevails and harmony is restored. Even the most bitter or transgressive holiday film follows this pattern. Krampus does as well, but in a way that undermines the genre’s theme of hope and reconciliation.
Jessabelle (2014)
Directed by Kevin Greutert
Written by Robert Ben Garant
Starring Sarah Snook, Mark Webber, Joel Carter, David Andrews, and Ana de la Reguera
The title blurs a lot, so it’s difficult to capture in a single image.
The Grapes of Death (1978)
aka Les raisins de la mort
Directed by Jean Rollin
Written by Jean Rollin, Jean-Pierre Bouyxou, and Christian Meunier
Starring Marie-Georges Pascal, Félix Marten, Serge Marquand, and Mirella Rancelot
Administering the experimental pesticide.
The word “zombie” has been applied to so many things that it’s all but meaningless as a descriptor. Some are brought back from death, some are still alive. They could be under mental domination, operating on instinct, or possessed of full intellectual faculties. It may be spread as an infection, be the result of contamination, or achieved through hypnosis. Ravenous ghouls, mindless slaves, enraged masses: all zombies. About the only certainty in the term is that it implies a removal from normal society.
Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed (1969)
Directed by Terence Fisher
Written by Bert Batt and Anthony Nelson Keys
Starring Peter Cushing, Veronica Carlson, Freddie Jones, Simon Ward, Thorley Walters, Maxine Audley, and George Pravda
Incontrovertible statement.
Peter Cushing starred as Baron Frankenstein in six Hammer films, which is an awful lot of appearances as the same character. You might expect that as the series went on he’d start phoning in his performances, but if so then you don’t know Peter Cushing. Not only was he a consummate professional, but Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed — the fifth in the series — is 98% of his best turn as the relentless Baron.
Web of the Big Damn Spider 
